Dear Miss Manners: I have a good friend who is the polar opposite of me on politics, religion and almost every other subject. We are cognizant of these differences, and refrain from debate or argument on these subjects. Amazingly, we still have things to talk about!
While I support a number of charities with money every month or so, I choose them carefully. If I do not send money to her organization, how do I politely explain why not? I wish she had not asked her friends to donate money for this venture; she should know that if I did support it, I could do so on my own. I’m not sure how to deal with my refusal to bend my principles for friendship’s sake.
You have already mastered a valuable and increasingly rare skill, in that you can be friends with someone whose beliefs do not exactly align with yours. You have only to extend the subjects on which you need not justify your position. Miss Manners is aware that some, perhaps many, people contribute to charities to please the people who ask them. But this seems a waste of the opportunity to offer support where one believes it is truly needed.
In any case, and despite those who want their names on buildings, donations can be a private matter. You can merely commend your friend for her effort without getting out a pen to write a check. As she is apparently as discreet as you, that should be the end of it. But if more is necessary, you can say, “I have other causes I support.”
Dear Miss Manners: What is the proper way to eat pitted cherries? Cutting them up to remove the pits seems excessive, but just spitting out the pits into a napkin doesn’t seem proper, either. Should I pit them ahead of time before consuming or putting them out for guests?
Please don’t spit them into a napkin. You’ll never get out that red stain. Well, maybe you can (are we all searching the internet for this?), but Miss Manners would consider it a kindness to pit cherries before serving.
But you ask about being on the eating end, for perhaps less considerate hosts. Please do not spit it into their napkins, either. The correct way is to deposit it into your cupped hand with no accompanying sound effects, and then to transfer it to the edge of your plate when no one is looking.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
© 2024 Judith Martin
