Dear Sahaj: I am the eldest daughter of my single East Indian mother who raised me and my two brothers. My brother V passed away in 2022. While I have worked hard to heal from a complex childhood, the grief of losing V has been overwhelming. Holidays and special occasions are particularly difficult. When I try to celebrate V in small ways, it often brings more sadness, so I stopped.
Column by Sahaj Kaur Kohli
I want to talk to my family about honoring my brother together, as we had planned, but I’m not sure how to approach it. I’ve always felt somewhat out of place with them and have spent 45 years trying to connect, often without reciprocation. This lack of communication and action is hurtful, and I’m struggling with self-care. I know they are grieving, too. I feel sad, lost, and confused.
Do you have any suggestions on why this might be, and how I can express my feelings to them without causing more pain?
— Grieving
Grieving: I am so sorry for your loss. The death of a sibling can change the family dynamic, and I wonder if V played a certain role in your family, and for you specifically, adding to your grief.
Maybe he was the one confidant you had in your family during your “complex childhood,” or the one who added humor to family gatherings, or the one who had the closest relationship with your mom. This change in your family dynamic could be compounding the grief as you lost not only a sibling, but a specific characteristic and quality he brought to your family. It could also be contributing to the differences in the ways you and your mom and brother are grieving his death.
